Relationship - Part 1

AIM

To identify aspects of our lives that have been conditioned by our mindsets which have made it very difficult to change, even though there are situation which confirm the need to change and have better life enrichment.

OBJECTIVES

·        To have an open forum/dialogue with the intent on improving relationships with partners.

·        To change mindsets and be more open with matters that seem challenging and seek timely and appropriate support before a situation disintegrates.

·        To help individuals gain confidence and greater sense of control as they learn to cope effectively with challenges.

·        To understand the nature of any relationship, have the motivation and the right mindset to effect positive change.

·        To assess individual character traits as a way of avoiding repeat mistakes.

OUTCOMES

·        Hopeful that there is life after a traumatic relationship.

·        To form new and healthy relationships with a new mindset.

·        Be focused on positive thinking.

·        To realise the need for and how to access relevant and appropriate level of support.

·        To learn how to communicate freely and openly in a relationship.

TARGET AUDIENCE

Both male and female, irrespective of marital status (single, married, divorced, separated, widowed)

Age Group – from 18 years and above

Summary of Discussions

The inaugural and unique pioneering approach to Renewing the African Mindset took place on Thursday 5 April 2012 at a business centre location at London Bridge, in London.

The audience constituted an experienced Psychiatrist, General Practitioner, Psychologist and professionals from various sectors.  The Opening Discussion segment gave the audience an opportunity to comment on various social aspects of what was perceived as the ‘African Mindset’. 

Comments ranged from how to deal with marital issues with a contingency plan in the event of a breakdown in a relationship, to parenting.  There was a general consensus that individuals got involved in relationships with different expectations but the effective management of those expectations could still lead to having a rewarding relationship.

The purpose of the Opening Discussion, from the standpoint of the Convener, was achieved in that it gauged the interaction of the audience and level of openness generated from the lively debate.

There was a gender balance amongst the audience which facilitated the discussion.  It was particularly encouraging that the men were very forthright with their comments, which was an indication that African men no longer perceive it as a ‘weakness’ to openly engage in such discussions.  The entire audience expressed themselves in a non-judgemental manner.

One of the highlights of the segment was that majority of the audience felt that there could be times when one or both parties might wish to engage the involvement of a third party (trusted friends, family members or other support groups – experienced enough to make unbiased contributions with the intention of resolving the situation between the warring couple in an amicable manner).

In summary, as no one is static, change is inevitable.  Therefore, a good self-appraisal (who you really are and your goals), taking into account the partner’s views and awareness of the situation in the relationship, are pivotal to a harmonious co-existence.

SECOND HALF OF THE PROGRAMME

A.         The African Mindset was defined as follows:

1.      The man is the head of the household and whatever he says is final irrespective of whether he is living up to the expectations of the wife.

2.      There must be something wrong with a woman of a certain age who is unmarried and has no children.

3.      The married woman with no children is deemed to have a problem with infertility, even though it could later turn out to be the husband.

4.      Africans do not seek counselling from external support groups or agencies.  Family members are the only source of support as Africans should not be seen as ‘washing dirty linen in public’.

5.      An African married woman should strive to remain in the marriage no matter the level of unhappiness she is experiencing.

6.      Women must be solely dependent on Men.

7.      Men should always be responsible for all financial commitments in the home.

8.      Men are expected to pay when they take women out for meals.

9.      Men do not show their emotions.

10.  Most Men indulge in extra-conjugal activities whilst it is totally unacceptable for women.

*The above mindsets were based on a particular generation of Africans and still applicable to a minority of the current younger generation.

B.             Change

                Change was described as an evolving phenomenon and as a result, individuals should

            be ready to adapt to circumstances in which they find themselves. 

For the mindset to change, an individual must be prepared and determined to change, as per the ‘Alcoholic model’.

C.         Impact of Marital Breakdown

           

The Psychiatrist gave an in-depth perspective of what might happen if an individual was not in control of his or her emotions.  He cited real life examples of celebrities who had suffered as a result of marital breakdown - the impact of stress on an individual’s mental  and physical  health (where in some cases may be severe – in terms of irrecoverable mental illness, cancer or even death). 

Furthermore, he asserted that studies indicated that there was a higher increase of women-related cancer due to hormonal changes in the body.  The common related health issues were depression and bi-polar disorder. 

D.             Moving On

           

            ‘Moving on’ was defined as change of life-style (e.g. becoming more outgoing),

            location, career and re-marriage.  However, very few people realised the need to

change the mindset.  There was the belief that some African women living in the Diaspora, due to economic and financial empowerment, especially in the western world, were

            able to ‘move on’ with their lives, even if there was no contribution from the absent

            partner.

Ironically, this aspect was also seen as a contributing factor to why some women were no

longer willing to work hard at their marriages.

CONCLUSIONS:

There was the view that individuals should endeavour to strike a balance in both the African and Western cultures.  In other words, to emulate and adopt best practices in both cultures and apply appropriately, without disrupting the core values of the relationship.

***If you knew within your heart that you were dissatisfied with the type of life you were living and you knew it could be better, there must be a desire to change the mindset.  However, changing the mindset would be a matter of personal choice. 

Points to Note:

·        When you sign on the dotted line on the day of marriage, be ready to share each other’s burdens.

·        Communication is very important.  Mindset needs to be reviewed as life is dynamic.  Be adaptive and adoptive.

·        Expectations need to be managed effectively.

·        No one is going to make you happy, except yourself.  Be prepared to work on yourself if you want your relationship to work.

·        It is a personal choice to want to change your mindset.

·        Realise the reason for change and be ready to change.

·        It is insanity if you continue to repeat the same mistakes in every relationship and expect a different outcome.

·        Learn from past mistakes committed in a previous relationship.

·        Compromise with your partner without losing your integrity.  Do not lose yourself.

·        Happiness is eternal.  It radiates from within.

·        A lot of healing takes place when you are ‘in a good place’.

·        Every relationship is unique.  Check yourself, your partner’s attitudes and apply advice appropriately.

·        Divorce does not end a relationship, it re-defines it.

·        Even if you marry your soul-mate, it does not guarantee a perfect marriage or partnership.

·        Do not allow hatred or revenge to ruin your life.

·        You cannot apply the same solution to different problems.

·        A problem shared is a problem half-solved.